By Cristina Cuomo
PURIST: Your character, Mel, in the popular series Your Friends & Neighbors goes through perimenopause, which is thankfully no longer a sidelined conversation. How significant was it for you to play out that very underserved life cycle given what you were going through? And how hard was it to work during episodes of your personal symptoms?
AMANDA PEET: I could relate to the fact that Mel’s body was betraying her, and it was fun being able to use my experience with menopause at work. At least it’s good for something! Ping-ponging between acting insecure one minute and deeply pissed off the next is a familiar state when you’re in menopause. Just ask my husband.
How fun was it to reunite with your old pal Alessandro Nivola in the film Fantasy Life?
I would do anything with Alessandro. His range is insane. I don’t think people realize how balls-out funny he is. I had a big crush on him in the ’90s and, of course, he’s still so handsome and has the singing voice of an angel. But he’s weirdly good at playing a total jackass. I couldn’t keep a straight face when he said “I gotta take a dump” with the neck brace on. I ruined about nine takes, which, on an indie movie when there’s no time, is really bad.
Your character, Dianne, is also dealing with mental challenges as well as those that come with aging. What did you find exciting about the stories you got to tell
in this role?
When I was young I thought it was a sad cliche that people in their 50s were always blathering on about the vagaries of aging. Welp, now that’s me. I found it poignant that Dianne wonders if it’s too late to take another shot at having a career.
There is an honesty in the way that you openly talk about aging and women like me are grateful to you for that. These characters are also addressing the nuances of the aging experience. With all of the emotional intensity and insecurity in this stage of life for women, and men, what has surprised you the most and what have you found most effective in dealing with it?
I find that texting damning photos of myself to my friends is effective. We have a competition to see who can look the most old, wrinkly and repellent. When I’m writing, I wear noise-cancelling headphones and when I take them off and wear them around my neck to take a break, the way my jowls rest—in puddles—on the ear muffs is deeply upsetting. If you’re in a dark place about getting old and losing your looks, taking photos and sending them around for peoples’ amusement helps.
How does being in your 50s differ from other decades and what shifts have you felt in your relationship to work?
I don’t abide toxic relationships. I’m less perfectionistic. Work is a lot more fun when you’re not stressed about what it might lead to. It’s not like I’m Zen. I’m still plenty neurotic. It’s just easier now that I’m in my 50s to take the little wins and let the rest go.
Is there a role you’d like to play that you haven’t?
Mary Todd Lincoln in Oh, Mary! But I’ve seen it too many times. I should probably just stay the course as a rabid fan.
You bravely shared your breast cancer diagnosis in The New Yorker recently, and have made space for conversations about the importance of early detection and prioritization of community and personal health. How has navigating your breast cancer journey reshaped your perspective on health and staying ahead of it?
Having breast cancer, going through radiation and being in treatment centers made me realize how lucky I was. My friend’s chemo had to be changed in the middle of her treatment and her insurance wouldn’t cover it. Another woman I know was let go from her job soon after she found out she had breast cancer because the company was downsizing. I was lucky for many reasons, including the fact that I had child care and good insurance. I was able to keep up with regular screenings over the past few years because I don’t work all the time. The day my doctor found the tumor, she was able to do the biopsy right away because I had child care at home and didn’t have to rush back to my kids. For most people who get cancer, navigating the American health care system is a total shitshow.
What advice would you give to women embarking on this long journey?
I would say be prepared for a period of uncertainty. Also, try to find other women who are open to talking about their breast cancer, because it’s very comforting.
At Purist, we focus on holistic paths to well-being. What are some of your daily self-care rituals?
I try to work out three or four times per week and I go to therapy. I have two or three girlfriends, including my sister, to whom I talk every single day. They say good social connections affect longevity, so I’m grateful that I don’t have to go out and find that. Lately, David [Benioff, Peet’s husband, a novelist and producer who co-created Game of Thrones] and I watch Fawlty Towers in bed every night, which is incredibly soothing. I don’t know if these count as self-care rituals, but it’s how I stay sane.
While shouldering that tremendous fearful weight, you also experienced the loss of your mother and father within six months of each other, and on opposite coasts—which I am sorry to hear about. What did you learn about the importance of end-of-life caregiving, especially with your mother, who lived adjacent to you?
It’s a very personal decision and my only point of reference, thank God, is what I went through with my mom. It was important to me to be there when she passed because I was very close to her. I would never have been able to care for her on my own, and I’m so grateful to the caregivers we had. Again, a lot of people in the sandwich generation burn out because they don’t have the money for a nanny and a caregiver.
How has this journey impacted your time spent on everything from family to work to friends?
I would say, if anything, I spend more time with my friends. I try to say yes to my nearest and dearest, and I don’t worry as much about the folks who don’t fall into that category.
I saw you recently discussing your desire to grow old gracefully without any dramatic alterations to your beautiful face—a commitment you made in print in your 40s. How tough is it to stay on that holistic path?
I have ambivalence about it. And I do lasers and dye my hair—these aren’t holistic procedures! But I do love watching actors’ real faces. When I watch Diane Keaton, Emmanuelle Riva, Emma Thompson, Fernanda Torres or Sarah Paulson, part of why I get swept away is because they look real. I want to be able to do a period piece or play someone from a poor rural town who doesn’t have access to cosmetic procedures. Or play someone like my sister, who thinks looksmaxxing is asinine. Actually she probably has never heard of it.
What are your beauty and fitness regimens, and what makes you feel good?
I’ve been seeing Dr. Karyn Grossman since I was 27. She gives me lasers and peels when I have time, and does my skin cancer checks. I trust her, and I’ve never been to anyone else. I’m sorry to sound like a cliche, but I love pickleball. I can’t stand doing cardio so I had to find a sport and now I’m obsessed. I also love to draw and paint and when I take classes, I get into a flow state.
With your husband, David, also in the entertainment business, how do you find balance and synergy in work and at home as partners?
We try to be as close to 50-50 with child care as possible. My sister and her husband met as first-year medical students, so from the beginning, they were under the same amount of pressure and had the same workload. David and I try to keep things as even as possible, and he doesn’t assume that I’m going to cover all the kids’ stuff. He cooks more than I do. This has been important in our marriage, and I like that my daughters have him and their uncle as models for husbands who pull their weight at home.
Is there one nutritional element you incorporate into your daily diet that keeps you focused and energized?
Nothing keeps me focused—I’m like a chicken with my head cut off. I need to try meditation. I drink tea every morning in the living room while the sun is coming up, before anyone is awake, and I listen to Up First, and it’s pretty lovely.
What makes you laugh the most?
Farts.
What’s your biggest pet peeve?
Too much perfume.
What’s one thing we don’t know about you?
I’ve never read Anna Karenina.
What is the best advice you’ve been given?
To marry David.